Day 69 - Remorse

 Remorse 

Matthew Ryan Fischer

 

Mason felt a fair amount of survivor’s guilt after a plane crashed that he could have been on. He chastised himself harshly for feeling what he felt. He told himself he had nothing to complain about. Work had made him change flights. He wasn’t even close to death. He didn’t deserve to feel bad at all. Not when other people had lost loved ones. All he could do was tell people that he was supposed to be on that flight, which wasn’t entirely true and wasn’t a very good story. It made him feel small and petty, as if he were attempting to steal the limelight from someone who had truly suffered.

Mason wondered when there was an outbreak of E.coli on a cruise that he considered taking. He grew paranoid after he missed his bus and avoided an accident when a car cut the bus driver off and the bus swerved into a parked car.

It seemed as if someone or something was trying to threaten his life. Mason recalled a horror film he saw when he was young about people who avoided death, but later were killed off one by one because no one was allowed to cheat fate. But if his situation were fate driven, it seemed like it was helping him avoid deadly situations. Perhaps he was blessed, or at least extremely lucky. But he couldn’t figure out why.

Mason grew scared. He didn’t know what to do. He might be lucky, but what about those around him? What about those innocent bystanders who were simply in the wrong place based on his plans changing or being changed by forces beyond his control.

He was afraid to make any plans, worried he might have to change them for some unforeseen reason. He was scared that there would be more tragic accidents, surrounding whatever his original plans were, or based on how his plans changed. He didn’t want to see his friends or family, not wanting any of them to accidentally be adversely affected. He closed himself off and hid from the world. If he had to leave the house, he would go quickly with as little pre-planning as possible. He avoided contact and conversation and only went shopping during the least busy times of day.

Then one day the unforeseeable happened. A bicycler crashed into him for no good reason. A car ran a stop sign and almost killed him. He slipped walking up the stairs at his apartment and almost fell down the entire flight.

It seemed that his luck was changing.

But now he felt truly screwed. Good luck had been dangerous to other. But now he didn’t know what to think or do. Now, everything seemed like it could be a danger, to others, and to himself.

Mason locked his door when he got home. He treated his wounds. Then began to very carefully put all sharp objects away. He realized he would need to buy all plastic plates and utensils. He could no longer trust anything glass or porcelain. Everything was now a hazard.

Mason sat on the floor, making sure he wasn’t underneath any light fixture. He felt paralyzed. He didn’t know what to do. Everything could break or collapse or crumble on top of him. Anything could kill him. He was a prisoner now. He missed the days when all he had to worry about was his guilt.