Day 21 - What did she want? What does it mean?

What did she want? What does it mean? 

Matthew Ryan Fischer

 

There were about two times out of a million that I thought Sadie might be interested in me. Sadie talked to me. But she mainly talked to me when she was single. I don’t pretend to assume that meant anything. And I don’t think those were times she was interested in me. There were two times, yeas apart, when she was nearing the end of a relationship. Now, I didn’t know she was near the end of the relationship she was in. I’m not sure she knew it. I doubt her boyfriend knew. But there was a certain noticeable timing to it. She would be in a relationship, then we would have a close and intimate conversation, then I wouldn’t see her for a month or two and the next time I’d see her, she’d have broken up with her last boyfriend and already have a new one.

Once was at a birthday party for a mutual friend and we had all dressed up and I had a suit and tie on. And the first think she said to me was that I cleaned up nice. Simple. Not even really flirtatious. But then we talked all night and complimented each other several times over, and then she still went home with her boyfriend Mike.

Another time, we were at karaoke and discovered that we both liked way too many of the same songs. It was one of those rent-a-room karaoke situations and every time a song came up that I had entered, she’d grab the other microphone and sing along. And then vice versa. Now normally she dressed pretty punk rock and I dressed in annoying hipster fashion. But we both were singing anything from K-pop to Spice Girls to Frank Sinatra. I think I surprised her by being outgoing and especially FUN! I think she surprised me by her wanting to sit next to me and sing songs.

But then I didn’t see her or hear from her and none of our mutual friends ever said a word and then she always fell from one relationship quickly into the next. Perhaps I was never there during a very brief window of opportunity. Or perhaps I was just a safe enough person for her when she was ready to start talking to other men and test out just how she was feeling about her current relationship. Either way, I never got any indication that from her or our friends that she was interested or that I was supposed to make a move.

Sexy Sadie, as it occurred to me that I might someday call her. It wasn’t funny or original. I’m sure it was one of those super common jokes she had heard a million times. Or if she hadn’t or didn’t know the reference, then I was seriously interested in the wrong woman.

I remember seeing a tv show when I was young where a man loved a woman and couldn’t tell her yet, but the soundtrack started playing Crimson and Clover by Tommy James. I was young and sort of thought that song was in the character’s mind and I didn’t totally understand how soundtracks worked yet. It certainly set the mood for me so it did its job.

I’m not saying I heard a song when I’d see Sadie walk into a bar, and if I had a soundtrack to my life, it probably would have been a different song. But maybe not. Maybe there was something fitting to the song lyrics…

“Ah, now I don't hardly know her

But I think I could love her

Crimson and clover

Ah, when she comes walking over…”

When I saw her walking through the room, I always hoped she would stop and talk to me. And in reality I didn’t know her. Not well anyway. Not enough to know and certainly not enough to fall in love. But silly romantic thoughts and song lyrics don’t work like that. Sometimes a walk in enough. Sometimes a look. I once saw Sadie on a dance floor and something in the way her arms moved, such precision and attitude. I’m pretty sure I could have fallen in love with that dance move, if that’s even possible.

“…my, my such a sweet thing

I wanna do everything

What a beautiful feeling…”

It’s nice to be wanted. It’s nice to want. I think about her too often and too much for what it’s worth. I wonder when I see her with Dan and I wonder when she’ll dip her toes in the water again and start wondering when it’s time to end things with him. Will I suddenly get one more great conversation, one more great moment? Will I be told or know that Dan is about to get some very bad news in a few days? And would she ever consider giving me some good news? If past is predicate, probably not. But what a beautiful thing to think about.