Day 93 - With that, the flip of a coin

 With that, the flip of a coin 

Matthew Ryan Fischer 

 

Best 2 out of 3, 3 out of 5, 5 out of 7… How many times could I flip the coin? Until I got the answer I wanted? Would I know it if I got it?

I read the idea in a self-help book, flip a coin not to tell you what to do in a situation but to help understand your feelings about the choice. If you flip the coin and you liked the answer, then you probably wanted that all along. If you instantly feel regret or want a do over, you probably really wanted the other choice.

Maybe that’s a way to help you know your feelings about going out, or what to make for dinner. Maybe it helps some people cut down on their anxiety or analysis paralysis when it came to decisions. Maybe. But what about the big choice? Quit your job? Ask someone to marry you? I would think that with major life decisions you’d want a little more hard examination rather that instant gut reactions. But I didn’t write the book.

The problem is, if you’re the type who needs a coin to get in touch with their feelings, you’ve probably got all sorts of other problems going on. You’re probably also susceptible to myriad of other gimmicks and sugar pills with similar effect. I have used my astrological sign to determine whether or not to reply to a message on a dating website. I have also consulted a Magic 8 Ball unironically. Never trusted a Ouija board though. We all know that’s just made-up nonsense. Or demonic. Either way, you don’t want none of that.

I understood the exercise. I got what it was supposed to be. But understanding isn’t really a shield against superstition and addictive personality issues. One coin toss can quickly escalate to 2 or 3 or more. Best of 11 anyone?

Every time the coin tells me not to go out, not to go to the grocery store, I wonder what secret it is trying to tell me. What is it trying to protect me from? And why, after just a few minutes, will it give me a different answer? Did the danger pass? Would I have had a car crash then, but now I won’t? Is there some parallel Earth where I’m dead in a ditch all because I went to get food at 8:16 instead of 8:23?

How do I get the coin to talk to me? To tell me what it’s doing? To tell me what it wants? There’s no flipping 2 out of 3 to get an answer to certain complex sentence structures.

I haven’t left the house in three days. No because I failed a coin toss. I did fail one, but once was enough. It made me stop and wonder what was out there. Now, I’m not sure I want to find out. I don’t think I want to know. I think. I’m pretty sure I don’t. I’m a little nervous. I get that tinge of anxiety when I go to pick up the coin. What if it doesn’t want me to leave? Ever again? What if I keep losing coin tosses?

I don’t need to know. I could just walk outside. I know that. I know it in my mind. But deep down I get that feeling, that something has to mean something. It must. If things don’t mean anything, then what’s the point? Maybe I’ll ask again in a day or two. I’m just a little too scared right now.