Day 98 - I Tried Not to React

 I Tried Not to React 

Matthew Ryan Fischer

 

When I went out with Lisa, my friend Art was very upset. Not because he liked her, or so he claimed, but because he had to work with her and if things got messy, I would make his life harder. Maybe that was fair, but it seemed selfish at the time. It seemed like he liked her, despite his protestations, despite him being in a somewhat supposedly committed relationship.

He need not have worried. That was never a relationship destined to last.

Nate and I dated the same girl. Not at the same time. Well, not exactly. There was some back and forth, perhaps because we were all young and non-committal, or perhaps there were some unresolved desires all around. There was talk amongst our friends that Samantha wanted even more overlap. But none of us talked about it. Or at least I was never invited into any situation. Missed opportunity I supposed.

It was awkward once or twice, but Nate and I did the healthy thing and tried to ignore it. Yes, I am aware how insane that last statement sounds.

Once upon a time I dated a girl named Amy. We dated for a long time. On and off. Then serious. Then on and off. Then serious again. I dated her roommate once. She went out with a friend of a friend of mine. Of course, there were some jealousy games going on, but we were also in a somewhat insular group of friends at the time. We dated people we knew, and who were knew happened to know each other. That mentality left a lot of people hurt and hung-up on a broad crisscross of the same people.

It came as no great surprise that eventually Amy would have to tell me that she was dating someone that I knew. It was obviously bound to happen again. I don’t if it hurt, or if I wanted it to hurt so I told myself that it did. It was no great betrayal. It wasn’t so out of the ordinary. There was just some small part of me that always liked the idea of knowing she was out there and that doors remained open sometimes. There was no reason to be selfish. There was no reason to be petty. She wasn’t asking for my permission, she just wanted to be honest and tell me before I found out some other way.

Hours later I cried while looking at old photographs. I never told Amy about that. Not even after she was single again. Some things were mine. Some things were better left unsaid. I wanted her to find her own path to happiness. She didn’t need to know my pain. I wasn’t going to hold her back or mislead her. I might not be the one for her, but I was still allowed to feel a little bit of regret and misery about it. Besides, who knows what someday might bring. Someday I might have to pretend to be okay again. Or she might have to do the same. But you never know.